#and like part of me disagrees anddmaybe or maybe not needs to hear that
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me: *thinks abt my Issues* fuck, i need therapy
me: *remembers i am already In Therapy For My Issues* oh fuck, what now???
#eliot posts#tho therapy is semi at a standstill bc of covid#bc being trapped in ur abusive parents' house is not a good time to chip away at ur repressed childhood memories#i technically wasnt even supposed to have summer therapy#bc my therapist is payed by my college so is only supposed to work during the school year#but he's doing this pro bono bc i am A Mess#mostly we're just making plans of action to make my immediate situation slightly less unbearable#tho even before all this happened i wasnt sure if we were making enough progress or not#like i have no baseline to compare it against?#like he was nice and good to vent to but idk if we were actually making progress or not. yknow?#he always tells me im doing the rights things already and im very strong/resilient#and like part of me disagrees anddmaybe or maybe not needs to hear that#that part is a defense mechanism that's protecting me from having to face that i can do everything right and still suffer#and all the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that stem from that#like 'shit sucks but that's cuz i'm not good enough but luckily i can always make myself better and it will be okay :)'#but the rest of me KNOWS i did everything right and is hurt and scared bc that shows that nothing i do could save me#but yeah like idk the validation is nice but idk how much it helps me grow or not?#like i dont feel challenged and i dont come to many more conclusions than when i vent to friends
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